How did any of this happen...? (the lost blog post)

How did any of this
happen?

How does this ever

happen?

I certainly didn't plan any of this.

Let alone 
anticipate it.

It just (well)
happened.

And it doesn't usually happen
like this.

Not for me.

Usually,
it is very simple:

I am in love,
or I am
not.

All. Or. Nothing.

Seldom
an in-between.

But with you
my dear

it was very different.

Right from the start.

With you,
there was immediate

trust.

And when,

two days later
you asked me

"Do you love me?"

And I replied:

"Yes. I think I do."

I have never been so sure
of anything in my entire life.

And then you said:

"I love you, too."

We made love,
saw god in each other's faces
& souls.

And at that point,
my world,
my entire universe

cracked open.

I didn't realise it at the time
(but then again, perhaps I did)

that nothing
would ever be the same.

Ever.

Again. 

There would be
two defining points
in my life from that moment.

Before I met you.
And
everything
after
those first two words
you said to me:

"Don't disappear."

Now,
nearly three months on
there is no
all or nothing.

I've spent a mere
eighteen days
at your side.

And
alone & together
I have barely known you

for (less than)
twelve weeks.

And yet.

And yet.

I feel like
you & I have known each other
forever.

And in such
a short time
my dear

I think you may know me
better
(certainly more about me)

than anyone else I know
on this entire planet.

How did any of this happen?

The last eight days
we were together in the desert,

even the times when we
lost each other:

I found myself
falling even more
in love with you
that I already was.

A little more
every day.

I've never experienced this before. 

A love
multiplying,
growing little by little by little.

I have never felt this before.
I want you to know I am not afraid.

Is this what it really means
to love,
& to be loved?

I am in uncharted waters.

I am completely
out of my depth here.
I am once more in the water-hole
with you, trusting you.
Skinny-dipping for the first time.

Despite my blindness,
driving a car for the first time.

Seeing shooting stars
with someone else
for the first time.  

How did any of this happen?
What comes next??
When will I see you again???

Nothing is certain.
But this "tremendous" heart

wants
(needs?) you to know
one thing.

That last night we were together.

At four am,
when I woke up
and sobbed so many tears.

And you held me.
Comforted me.

I just want
you to know...

These were not tears
that came from knowing
that later
that same morning
we were
due to part.

No. 

These were tears
that came from knowing:

I had finally...

(certainly for the first time
in nearly eight years,
perhaps forty-six years
or a thousand?)

...found someone
I felt safe enough
to let it all 
come flooding out
with.

And
to just

cry.

Be vulnerable. 

Just knowing

I was with someone...

Someone I trusted.

Someone who would hold me,
protect me.

And love me.

I just wanted to tell you that.

And now you know. 

(thank you)

How did any of this happen? How did any of this happen??

I don't know.

All I know
(with any certainty at all)
is this,

my dear:

I am so glad,
so delighted

that it has
happened
with

you.



(c) Brent Harpur 2015. 

 

“The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings.” (J.M Barrie)

“Pan, who and what art thou?" he cried huskily.
"I'm youth, I'm joy," Peter answered at a venture, "I'm a little bird that has broken out of the egg."

(J.M. Barrie)

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” (Willie Nelson)

Footnote:

This poem was originally posted (and then promptly unposted a day later) on 21/4/2015. (Stop censoring yourself, Brent!!)